In this lifetime you will lose yourself, again and again. You will lose yourself in your work, your role as a parent, spouse, or caregiver. You may lose yourself to an illness, a substance, or an abusive relationship. When you lose someone you love, whether that’s due to a break-up, divorce, or death, you lose parts of yourself too...
There is a disturbing tendency amongst individuals with eating disorders to compare their illness to another’s. It’s the worst kind of competition ‘of them all’ and sounds like this: “What’s your lowest weight? How many hospitalizations have you had? How many calories do you consume? How often do you workout and for how long?” The most pressing question in this game of who is the most sick: “What type of eating disorder do you have?
It’s been quite a week for me - I had an unexpected visitor. I know when soul sadness shows up immediately; I’m engulfed by a hollow emptiness. A knot is embedded in the lining of my stomach, along with an inability to catch my breath and tears that fall without warning. Advance notice is not provided when soul sadness visits; it just bursts into my home, uninvited and in the past unwelcomed and numbed by the eating disorder that later followed in its footsteps. The duration of the stay is uncertain and often variable - no notable rhythm or pattern evident...
Between now and next week, draw a picture of your experience of having an eating disorder,” I request - a standard therapeutic assignment. My client’s are some of the brightest, most artistic, lovely creatures in the universe. Although incredibly unique individuals they often return with similar images - themselves imprisoned...
It’s o-dark-thirty here at my house. I go to bed embarrassingly early (my kids may as well tuck me in) and am up at an hour that most people consider the middle of the night. People seriously groan when I tell them when I get up. Nevertheless, I have my coffee, my laptop and a fire going; it’s the coziest and quietest time of my day. I require this self-care time in my nest before I go out into the universe and use my super-hero powers to help pry ED off of my clients...
A little back story for you on how Glennon and I became BFF’s. A few years ago I read her New York Times bestselling book, Carry On, Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life. In her book, she shares stories on her recovery from bulimia and alcoholism, a rocky start to her marriage and the challenge of raising three children in a universe that prefers us not to talk about the ‘messier’ parts of our lives. Her delivery is so vulnerable, raw and hilarious that you feel you know her by heart.
I declared 2016 to be my year of Vulnerability and Transformation. This means many things for me personally, but for you and me, it means I will be writing to you. Little letters sprinkled here and there as an offering to you and a reminder that we are all in this together. Hopefully this will soften the edges of the utter aloneness that you feel when restrained by an eating disorder. I am invested inYour Fully Recovered Self.
